Empathy Matters – In Coaching and in Leadership
“Sometimes it takes only one act of kindness and caring to change a person’s life.” – Jackie Chan
Let’s Start With How We Define Empathy
Brené Brown’s short video talks about the 4 qualities of empathy as identified by Theresa Wiseman, who is a nursing scholar. Theresa identifies 4 attributes of empathy:
- Taking the perspective of the other – seeing the world as they see it, not like how we see it
- Being non-judgmental
- Recognising emotion in others and understanding other people’s feelings
- Communicating our understanding of other people’s emotion
As leaders, our ability to empathise also opens up opportunities to learn from others, to see things from another’s perspective and to help our people feel included and able to be themselves in the workplace. In this blog, we will share ways you can be empathetic in coaching and as a leader.
First, let’s watch this video.
What does Empathy look like in Coaching?
Often people are coming to coaching with challenges or concerns.
They may be seeking help to move on from things that have happened in their career or help to deal with broken workplace relationships.
Being empathic doesn’t require us to ‘fix’. It requires us to sit with them.
It demands we don’t hurry or rush to anyone’s rescue.
Instead, we just listen and let the other person’s words fill us and stay with us.
When the coach is being empathic, they are placing themselves in the client’s shoes and seeing it through their eyes.
When we teach this in ICF coaching training courses, people first find it disturbing – to not talk and just listen.
It seems counterproductive, especially for managers who claim to be professional and “know”.
However, when leaders learn to wait and not rush to the rescue, real change happens.
A few years ago I was working with a coaching client who had suffered a series of career setbacks. He came to me to try to make sense of them and to find a way to put them behind him.
Neither of us could ‘fix’ the situation.
It had happened.
However, as his coach, I sat with him, empathised, and helped him mourn the losses. And then, when he was ready, we explored what he could do differently in the future to stop the same situation from happening again.
This is empathy in coaching. Empathy is the ability to share or recognise the emotions and experiences of others.
Without empathy, we have no compassion and less connection.
As a coach, being empathic does not mean I have to collude with a person. It is not passive, it is active listening.
It means I sit with them in their pain, help them to see it and understand it and, when they are ready, move on, let it go, and begin the next stages of learning and growth.
The author Nancy Kline even goes one step further – when we are listened to, we change the quality of our own thinking. Just by experiencing being truly listened to, we suddenly feel that something inside us changed, and that is the first step to thinking together about a solution.
So How Do We Become Empathetic at Work?
Empathy at work is our ability to stand in the shoes of the people we are working with, to see things from their perspective and to show this through thoughtfulness and compassion.
Studies on the future of work agree very little on what leaders of the future need except for one: empathy. Across the board, empathy is consistently ranked as the foremost critical skill.
A study from the Centre for Creative Leadership also found that empathy at work is positively correlated with job performance. This makes so much sense.
If I feel understood and supported – I can focus on my job. Nevertheless, even those of us who find empathy to be second nature can sometimes struggle to maintain it under stress.
As for those who find it challenging, my observations and personal encounters have convinced me that everyone can enhance their empathy through learning and practice.
We can all learn to get better at this. One way is to practice empathy with strangers – yes strangers.
Next time you are out for a walk, observe people as they walk past you and see if you can recognise their emotions, what do you think they might be feeling?
Here are a few more practical examples we can demonstrate empathy ar work.
At Work, You Can Demonstrate Empathy By:
- Being curious about people’s workloads and working with them to help them to be manageable.
- Getting to know people, and inquiring into what helps them to be their best selves at work.
- Understanding what is going on outside of work that might need support at work – a sick elderly parent for example. Take time to find something in common with the people you work with.
- And spend time building the relationship. Show concern for others, and be curious with them about what is going well and what is challenging for them at the moment.
More tips on how you can practice kindness and compassion can be found here.
Simply by stopping, noticing and being aware of others, we can become more human and more empathic.
Of course, empathy can mean people share their difficulties with us.
If you are sitting with someone who is upset you often feel ‘I don’t know what to do’ or ‘I can’t help’.
We can show empathy by offering a tissue – or if they are online ask if they would like to get one.
Just listen and nod and support them until they are able to be present with you.
I believe we can all dial up our empathy and support the enabling of belonging at work.
Have a go this week and see how you get on.
About the Author
Jean Balfour is Managing Director of Bailey Balfour and Programme Director of our ICF Accredited Coach Training Programmes. Jean is passionate about helping people to have good conversations both at work and at home. She believes that coaching is a life skill and that you never regret learning to coach.